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The Happiest Man

May 24th 2010 22:54
The Happiest Man



The indecisive day had finally settled on cloudy as I boarded the Trolley that would take me to City Hall. Today was different. I only made pilgrimages to the city with a specific task to be completed, and usually after some persuasion/arm pulling. Go to this party, check out this bar, see this person who misses you. However this was not a time to be bombarded with loud rap music while intoxicated strangers attempted to craft meaningful relationships with 5 minutes of meaningless conversation and sensual dancing. And there would be no visits to friends. They’d only wish to do the former anyway. I’d just gone on a whim. Trans pass in hand affording me unlimited travel within the city, I left the house and here I am. I tuned out the ride with my Ipod. People moved freely around my peripheral as Alicia Keys filled my ears.



The trance was on, the world was secondary as I walked with my own soundtrack. Off the trolley, up the stairs, back underneath the infinite sky, it was all the same. I walked by city hall, I walked by couples, I walked by singles, I walked by mistresses planning to make couples single, I kept walking. No destination, just me and my music. And then I stopped. It wasn’t because of the Starbucks, as I do not join the masses in their ritual caffeine injection. No I stopped because of the man in front of it. His gaze was on me, and something in it caught my attention. He was deeply disheveled, loosely holding a trash bag, with sneakers whose relevance hadn’t been realized since I was a high school freshman. He was homeless. A common sight in any metropolis, thus they are usually treated with the awareness of a discarded candy wrapper. But he was different. Hand not extended, desperation not apparent, no cardboard sign announcing a need for a non specific amount of change which was a means to an undisclosed end. Just a man, with a trashbag, looking at me. I pressed pause on my Ipod.


“Hi.” I ventured.

“Hi.” He returned.

“You’re not asking for money.” I observed vocally.

“Neither are you.” He replied, expression shifting to amusement.

“Well, I don’t need it.” I said, slightly confused at his lack of perspective.

“Of course you do. You have an Ipod which is manufactured to need replacement, the same can be said for your cell phone, and a stylish wardrobe implying that you need to look good. But most importantly you must appear fresh and new, so that means more. More stuff to buy. More expectations means more stuff, so actually you need more money than I do.”

I arched an eyebrow, equally amused.

“You’re homeless and without decent clothing. That means no job which requires business casual just for the interview, no means of a consistent meal, and you have no money to shelter yourself. Given your situation you’ve eliminated your romantic prospects and thus hinder your basic human drive to survive and replicate. Correcting all of that will cost a lot more money than a new phone and a pair of sneakers.” I finished, firmly secure on my soapbox.

The homeless man nodded, expression unchanging. His soapbox was taller.

“Very good point, however you and I differ on what the basic human drive is. Your definition is the scientific, mine is the philosophical. And my philosophy is to find happiness, which I have. I get my meals from a kind woman who runs a restaurant and I have my own room at a nice shelter. My basic needs are met. That leaves me the freedom to do what I want, like read. I have but a few possessions and no obligations. Look at that man right there. Power suit, rolex watch, brief case. Looks like a man that has it all according to our societal values. But look closer: bags under the eyes, extra large cup of coffee, no wedding ring, blue tooth, and more telling than all that; his expression. Its empty almost, with a hint of sadness. He’s a slave to the masters of consumerism and power. If you go to foreign countries, as I have in my 50 years of life, you’ll see kids with rags for clothes having the time of their lives. It’s because they value what really matters. You can’t find beauty in gigabytes, a career in a job, meaning in the meaningless, fulfillment in what you own. Happiness can’t be defined by a formula. I can’t tell you what it is. Only you can, and that’s the beauty. It molds itself for the individual. You don’t seem like the others, so I want you to take this and I have confidence you’ll do the right thing.”

He reached in the pocket of his tattered coat and placed something in my hand and bid me good luck. As I walked back in the direction of the trolley, I opened my palm. In it was a 20 dollar bill. I smiled and then did the only thing I could think of at that point. I ripped it in half and gave one to a man in a suit.
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NEW STUFF

April 25th 2010 15:16
Hey everyone, I've been away for awhile I know. BUT I have just gotten a little job as a writer for the Examiner. So you can find my posts here: Really Long Link

I got a new article on the Tea party movement and updated my article on the water wasting on Golf. Enjoy
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A Dick Cheney Thanksgiving

November 26th 2009 11:04
Thanksgiving was in full swing in the underworld. Food was being served, family was getting together, and Sarah Palin would do flybys in her helicopter shooting potential dinner for interested parties, but really was just making a mess. Across the lake of fire, perched on Death’s peak was the revered Cheney Manor, where the family was sitting down for their Turkey day. (They don’t eat turkey) Despite the uproar over the imaginary recession and the fact that Thanksgiving is merely a pit stop in comparison to the real celebration of gluttony, the Cheney clan was mostly together for this most joyous occasion. Joining Dick and his wife Lynne was Mary and her “friend” Beth, Elizabeth, her husband Phillip, and their kids Kate, Grace, Elizabeth, Richard, and Phillip. The kids were situated in the living room while the grown ups gathered in the dining room. Ahmad, proudly wearing his Guantonimo Bay alumni t-shirt had just laid out dinner.

Dick smiled kindly at the young man. (1 Puppy dies)

“Thank you Ahmad. It looks wonderful. Before you go, my throne is feeling a little lopsided.” Cheney said, indicating is throne made of human skeleton.

Ahmad nodded and retrieved a large thigh bone from a massive trash bag in the kitchen. He inserted it into the throne, making it a few inches higher.

“Much better. That will be all Ahmad.” Dick said.

Ahmad nodded and made his way out of the room with the grace of a Ninja Assassin ($$$In Theaters now$$$). Dick began eying the feast. He turned to Mary.

“This arm will need some flavor. Could you pass the soul?” He asked.

Mary violently made out with Beth before passing the bowl of soul down to her father with a smug look on her face. “I hope you don’t mind my lesbo hands touching it.”

The republican lord of chaos just shrugged as he poured some soul over the massive fried arm on his plate. Suddenly a startling sound pierced the air:

“YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!! !!!”

Lynne glanced over. “The Howard Dean is ringing. Ahmad could you get the door?”

Ahmad’s movement was art related hyperbole as he headed to the foyer and pulled open the door. George W. Bush stood on the other side beaming like a school girl. He even wore a white blouse with a tie.

“Hey Osama. I thought you were still at the palace?” He said happily, giving him a hearty pat on the back followed by a quick shoulder rub.

“No, sir. I am Ahmad. Master Cheney’s butler. Please come in.” Ahmad said, standing to the side.

“Why, thank you kindly.” Bush said, bowing slightly, apparently confusing Ahmad for an Asian gentleman.

The children and George greeted each other with glee, as he showed them the boat of Popsicle sticks he built in arts and crafts. Cheney groaned inwardly, while Lynne rolled her eyes. Mary and Beth glared daggers, Elizabeth forced a smile while her husband appeared excited enough to dry hump the table, or the former president, as he was a big fan of Bush. Phillip even had a poster in their shared room (Separate beds of course!!) that depicted Bush’s famous “Is our children learning?” address. Phillip often described hearing the former president speak as a duet featuring Unicorns and God.

After George finished his rounds with the kids, he happily greeted the adults with shoulder rubs for all. (The pleasure made Phillip temporarily lose consciousness) “How’s my favorite family team?!” He asked happily.

The king of aguish answered. “Just fine George. Where is your wife? And your daughters?”

Bush grinned sheepishly. “The wife is looking after the girls. They’re back from their study vacation in Europe. The jet lag was really hard on them. They both were throwing up and insist that they’re being followed by a Goblin in a tuxedo. Figure they just need to sleep it off. Not touching America for so long could also be part of it.”


The Cheney’s looked at each other, none having the heart to tell George the truth. This was quite literal in Cheney’s case, as his current heart belonged to a liberal. Instead he beckoned to the chair Ahmad had set up at the table so quickly it appeared to materialize from nothing.

“Have a seat George. We’re just about to make the Thanksgiving toast before digging in.” The King of Darkness said.

George happily sat down and accepted the My Pet Goat bib Ahmad poetically placed on him.

Dick Cheney rose from his throne of the damned to deliver his speech. (No teleprompter thank you very much Barack HUSSEIN Obama!)

“We are thankful to have been on the right side of shady business deals, financially beneficial policies, and my Haliburton stock so that we may properly celebrate this joyous American holiday of gluttony and football. This holiday to me is more American than even Independence day, as I have always felt that its history properly shows the America that I am proud of; surviving by any means necessary and the slaughtering of the innocent. So let us be thankful for our conservative ancestors who were able to teach the natives a valuable lesson: always crush the enemy…Praise Regan.”

“Praise Regan.” They all said with the exception of Mary who defiantly started kissing Beth’s neck.

Cheney sat back in his throne. “Dig in everybody.”

The family began feasting. George was thoroughly enjoying the massive slab of meat on his plate. “Boy, that’s a lot of meat. What is it?”

“Michael Moore. Freshly shot by Ahmad.” Lynne replied as she put some salad on her husband’s plate.

Phillip was staring at George W. clearly starstruck, as if a Star had punched him in the face. Not Russell Crow, but a real star. Not to imply Russell Crow is not an adequate star. We wish not to incur his wrath.

Phillip, now unable to contain his excitement chimed in:
“Personally I think you should have reigned permanently in the office. I also think we should have a monarchy...of the world. You’d be King. Or be like Hitler...for like the world! Any whosanator, what have you been up to now that you’re out of office Mr. President, hopefully Fuhrer?”

“Glad you ask- “ Just then Kanye West burst into the room.

“I know we were about to have a satirical monologue, and I’m gonna let you finish. But David Sedaris had the best Holiday Essay of all time…. All time…” He then quickly exited quietly singing ‘You Belong with me,’ his voice distorted by music software.

George Bush looked puzzled. “Isn’t that the guy that doesn’t like me?”

Mary nodded. “Yeah, he hates you…Like dad hates our love!” She said fiercely before licking the side of Beth’s face repeatedly.

Pain incarnated rolled his eyes.

George still looked puzzled. “Hey Dick, I didn’t know you even had black people around here.”

The Dark lord shook his head. “That’s not the case at all. In fact Al Sharpton lives right down the road. He’s next to T.D. Jakes.”

“Ohhh.” George said excitedly. “That’s amazing you live so close to those people. I just love their music. That salsa sure is catchy.”

Dick was about to correct him and reprimand his apparent support of Hispanics when he froze and fell sideways off his throne.

Lynne looked up from her plate. “Oh dear, Dick needs a new heart. And we’re out. Hey Ahmad!”

“Yes my queen?” He inquired, entering the room with the swiftness of a very swift Ghost.

“Could you go out and grab Dick a new heart?’

He nodded. “Of course. Democrat?”

Lynne shook her head. “No, they don’t last very long. Not strong enough. Head over to the border. Plenty of strong ones there.”

He bowed and acrobatically left the room, taking the sniper rifle from the hall closet as he left the house.

An awkward silence fell among the table. Bush broke it.

“You know I don’t hate black people. I mean, one just broke in here and I didn’t even call the cops. Beat that Pelosi!”

Hearty laughter filled the table, though Phillip laughed so hard he died.

Nobody noticed, except Beth who couldn’t’ talk because Mary wouldn’t stop making out with her.





The End


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Hello blogosphere. I decided to break out of my hermit like writing existence to bring you the obligatory Halloween special. In this case, I’ve gone for functional and funny by giving you all some ideas that will allow you to blow away people this trick or treating season. You could be the life of the party! Guys you could get laid by a slutty cop, or a slutty nurse, or you know 99 percent of the female demographic on Halloween. At least just get some laughs. Man, I wish I had this resource available when I still cared enough to spend my parents money on some clever, over priced costume that I’d only wear once. Thinking of something genius can be downright difficult. After all there are so many other things to occupy your thought process this time of year. Like how to bang that girl, which party will have the most free booze? Where will I least likely get robbed? The last thing you want to do is agonize over how to look brilliant without going over people’s heads. And you wouldn’t be caught dead in something as cliché as a ghost or as lame as an emo vampire only attractive to 12 year old goths. Well fear not, because I am your best resource (if you don’t feel like looking) for the perfect costume to wear out for that special day of devil worship and anonymous hookups. I’m not presumptive enough to only give you one because if you’re like me, you need options. So I’ve come to deliver the 5 best costume ideas that I’ve come across since I started searching 3 hours ago.

5) Balloon Boy- Do you have one of those annoying friends/girlfriends who get waaaay too pumped about Halloween? Are they insisting on some elaborate costume idea that requires you both to match? Do you really just wanna stay home and watch the game, or go to a party that’s actually cool? Well you can’t go wrong with Balloon boy


[ Click here to read more ]
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Okay I’m a basketball junkie, so I’ve got to give my two cents on how I think the regular season will play out. Since you know, I’m an expert. (Fantasy team, X-box, etc) So what I’ll do is hone in on each of the biggest questions and storylines heading into this NBA season:

]The New Referees


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Book of the Week

August 22nd 2009 14:51
Okay so I'm going to write up brief reviews of books that I've read and found to be particularly awesome that I think should be checked out. I read a lot, which partially comes from working at a bookstore for a year. This first one, actually isn't going to be one book. Its actually 5. (No its not War and Peace) Its a series of books by Rick Riordin called Percy Jackson and the Olympians. Now the first book of the saga titled the Lighting Thief was recently added to schools required reading and it almost makes me want to travel back to 8th grade and put up with those jackasses just to be forced to read this. Trust me, for any age, these books are amazing. Except for maybe like a toddler. Unless they were genius or something.


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President Obama, needless to say is a breath of fresh air after nearly drowning and then waking up next to a pile of Cow feces. How a Cow got near a body of water is beside the point. Unfortunately, the new commander in chief has not been living up to my expectations of real change. There are numerous instances that I'll probably address at some point, but what I want to get at is one main issue that should be our biggest concern....The environment. Now unless you are one of the special bunch that think Global Warming is a myth and that the Earth is 2000 years old, you should be concerned as well. At this point, its irreversible... However if we make changes, then our children will have a planet to live on. Assuming we don't kill ourselves with Nuclear warfare before then of course.


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Why we Fear Success

October 7th 2008 21:56
Marianne Williamson stated that our deepest fear is not our inadequacy, but that we possess power beyond measure. Now logically this makes no sense. People are not consciously afraid of succeeding, they don't consciously think they are insane, nor do they believe they are evil. It is our ego's that create an illusion to prevent us from seeing what lies below the surface.

The truth is, people are terrified of succeeding, and not just the journey to get there. Because in life its not getting what you want, its wanting it after you've gotten it.... Success can carry a heavy burden. When Oprah Winfrey lost weight, she immediately lost several of her closest friends. Why? Because the sad truth is that your success is scary to others


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The Maverick and the Pig

September 14th 2008 15:34
Finally, some decency from the republicans. John Mccain has seen the light! He concedes that the country needs something new in order to thrive so he is intentionally trying to lose...right? It just makes too much sense. 80% of the country hate George W. Bush, so Mccain agrees with our esteemed president over 90% of the time and never misses a photo opt. 2 out of 3 people want out of Iraq now, so he of course talks about how great the surge is and how we need to stay for 100 years. Mccain is an old man with a history of cancer, so of course you'd want a VP that you'd be comfortable with....Not when you're trying to lose on purpose. No you hire a hockey mom from Alaska who's greatest accomplishment was finishing second in a 3 person beauty pageant 30 years ago....No? You mean he's NOT trying to lose? Whats this, the polls show the race is even? I'm torn between uncontrollable laughter and crying myself to sleep.

Can Americans seriously be this stupid? Yes...yes they can. I'm truly baffled at the way this race is going. I'm watching Palin and Mccain and literally can't believe what i'm hearing. They are telling lies. Not the kind of lie that you'd have to dig deep to uncover, no. The kind of lies like for example somebody who looks like Pee Wee Hermin saying, "Yeah, I make 200K a year as a model


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