Ian WhiteA Sarah Palin Christmas
December 25th 2010 16:11
Category: No Category
A Sarah Palin Christmas
“Tis, the season for gifts and Jesus. So buck up! Woof!” Said happily retired Governor Sarah Palin to her husband Todd who was sitting on the mall bench with their son Trig and grandchild Tripp, solemnly looking around, occasionally asking passerby for the sweet release of death.
He was being a Grinch.
Todd sighed, life force slowing leaving him. “Why do you keep barking?”
“Because, I’m a momma Grizzly silly willy. Woof!” Palin stated adding a wink that put a nearby woman into labor.
Sarah was in full Christmas mode, stuffing donuts into the faces of passing children who had obviously been deprived of dessert by Michelle Obama and big government.
The rest of the Palin family was standing in line to see Santa Clause. Jolly old St. Nick would take sips from his silver container of magic Christmas tea in between kids to keep his spirits high as his elves played what looked to be Go Fish only with the addition of colorful chips.
“Look Todd, Bristol’s next!” Momma grizzly exclaimed.
Technically, her children were the only ones in line to be sitting on Santa’s lap. The rest of the parents moved aside to accommodate the Palins in a display of Christ-like kindness. They’d occasionally point at her brand new rifle in obvious glee. She was just so dang proud of the gift she’d gotten earlier from a blushing John McCain, she had to let the world share her good fortune in a non socialist way. Tis the season.
Palin turned around to the camera crew that was filming for her Christmas special.
“Get a good look at my baby Bristol, she’s gonna be a star…Hey! Knock it off!”
Bristol had begun making out with the mall Santa. Levi, who’d been watching the scene from the artificial bushes nearby, burst into tears. Track Palin pulled out his shotgun.
“Want me to end im’ ma?” Track, the former infantryman asked menacingly.
“No, but thanks Track. Bristol, sit next to your father!” Sarah demanded.
Bristol rolled her eyes and slowly extracted herself from Santa’s lap before going back to checking her makeup in the mirror, occasionally posing for the paparazzi. (There were no paparazzi)
“Todd watch the kids, I’m gettin’ the gifts. Woof woof!” Palin said excitedly.
Todd’s excitement seemed to have left him so tired, he appeared to be depressed. But Sarah knew better.
Shopping today was particularly easy. Sarah figured they must have been inspired by the thoughtful gift from John McCain she was showing off as all the stores she went to gave her whatever she wanted for free. So profoundly caught up in the holiday spirit, they’d start weeping and repeatedly mentioning God. She encountered Glenn Beck on her trip, who looked to be selling gold, but wasn’t having much luck.
“Aww Glenn, what’s the matter?” She asked, concerned.
“I’m seeking patriots, but there seems to be an outbreak of communism that is keeping my sales of freedom gold down. If they don’t buy gold, they can’t defend themselves from the nazi-muslim-mexican-android invasion. Gold is their only weakness.“ Beck explained, looking dejected.
“Leave it to me Glenn.” She assured with a wink that caused 5 rainbows to appear.
Sarah took to the stage and made the shoppers aware of Mr. Beck’s cause and shamed them by showing the gift McCain had given her. The effect was instant. They couldn’t wait to buy freedom gold.
The camera crew looked nervous but Sarah laughed at their discomfort.
“I know you guys aren’t used to this much caring, since you live in the devil states. But here in real America, we look out for our fellow man.”
“Miss, would you like to donate to-“
“Golly gee-kid, we’re filming here.” Sarah said, clearly annoyed by the child’s audacity to interrupt with his liberal handout stand.
“Why don’t ya ask Santa for a job? Woof!” Palin laughed at her cleverness.
“But child labor laws-“
“Woof! Woof! Woof!” Sarah barked at a disconcerting decibel, sending the child fleeing in terror as she hurled donuts at his retreating form.
“Easy on those book-learned words pally!”
Sorry.
“Yup. Nothing scarier than a momma grizzly protecting her territory.” Said Palin.
And she was right. Not even Obama in a mosque with a burning bible strapped to a nuclear warhead could compare to the fright a territorial grizzly could generate.
She returned to Santa’s village to find chaos. Levi was on his knees reciting bad poetry to Bristol as she practiced her moves for Dancing with the Stars. (To the untrained eye it would seem she’d suddenly lapsed into a mild seizure) Track was fighting Santa and the elves to the death. Willow, Tripp, and Piper were crying, and Todd had his shoestrings tied around his neck and was looking for something high to latch on to. This is not how you’re supposed to celebrate Jesus’ birthday.
Sarah fired her rifle in the air, immediately ending the commotion.
“You all should be ashamed! This is not how we behave on the TV!” Sarah scolded, ignoring the body with the gaping bullet hole that crash landed next to her.
“So help me, if this affects my ratings…wait outside. Get! Woof!” Sarah commanded.
They didn’t need telling twice and scampered off as the battered Santa struggled to remain conscious. Sarah addressed the cameras again as she made her way outside with all the free presents.
“Yup, it’s hard being a momma , but that’s where the grizzly comes in. Gotta show em who’s boss. Our annual Christmas camping trip is another way I toughen em up. Especially that Todd, he’s such a wuss. “ Sarah said.
“But really we’re just your run of the mill, real American family…Start the helicopter!”
The family had been waiting near the massive military chopper that was taking up a sizable portion of the parking lot. It was currently perched on top of a number of cars. At the urging of America’s favorite hockey mom/grizzly they began climbing inside as Christine O’Donnell started the engine. (It was the only work she could find) Sarah was about to join them when she spotted a friend of hers.
“John Boehner, how the heck are ya?” She asked the next speaker of the house.
Boehner couldn’t formulate a reply as he was wracked with sobs. His wife Debbie gently patted his shoulder.
“Sorry Sarah, he’s a bit distraught now. Santa Clause had to leave the mall with a concussion. Some hooligans beat him up. What is this world coming too?”
“You know Debbie, I heard it was a gosh darn Democrat. Always ruining Christmas. Happy holidays my foot.” Sarah said.
Debbie smiled. “You’re so right Sarah. Hope you have a merry CHRISTmas Emphasis on the Christ.”
“You betcha!” Palin said with a dazzling wink that temporarily blinded Debbie.
Sarah began tweeting about Democrats killing Christmas as she and the camera crew boarded the chopper that would take them back to the Alaskan tundra. They gracefully lifted off, leaving crushed hybrids in their wake. Flying was the momma grizzlies’ favorite. Sarah absorbed the breathtaking scenery from the sky, occasionally dropping grenades when they passed over elitist cities. She was completely content at that moment. The kids were doing….something, who cares, and she only had to stop Todd from jumping out the helicopter twice. Finally the chopper arrived at the Palin camping ground, landing perfectly on the helipad behind their modest 6 story cabin, bought by generous donations from the tax payers while she was governor.
BANG
The camera crew leapt out of their seats. Sarah chuckled.
“Don’t be a scaredy chicken. That’s just the hunting trap. Been having a wolf problem. They act like they live here.”
They did.
“Hey! Whose side are you on?!” *Gun cocks*
Sorry.
Todd cleaned up the carcass of the invading wolf as the family spent the day roughing it; just like real Americans, as Levi watched from the trees. They were doing everything like wilderness survivors while the cameras filmed. Making S’mores by the microwave, C-4 fishing, hiking the internet, and keeping sharp objects away from Todd. Just good ole’ fashioned adventure. At night they gathered around the fire Piper and Willow started while arguing over matches and told scary stories. The book ban prevented any of the kids from knowing any ghost stories so they just made things up. Well really Sarah did. The kids were busy trying to keep Todd from leaping into the flames. And Sarah kept interrupting her chilling tales of government overreach by shooting at Levi whenever he got within 20 feet of Bristol. Bristol was checking her reflection in her cellphone and didn’t notice.
Suddenly Track pointed and yelled: “Incoming!”
Sarah turned and fired a rocket launcher into the air where her son had indicated. After a small explosion, it began raining presents and lumps of delicious looking meat.
Sarah was in awe: “I’m humbled. We’ve truly been blessed with a miracle. It’s really the season for giving. I think we settled that debate. Our God is the best! Quick guys, this’ll make a perfect ending.”
The Palin family, minus Levi who was pinned under part of a sleigh, looked into the cameras and in unison said: “Merry Christmas!” As flaming red and white debris continued to fall.
It was the best Christmas ever.
The End
“Tis, the season for gifts and Jesus. So buck up! Woof!” Said happily retired Governor Sarah Palin to her husband Todd who was sitting on the mall bench with their son Trig and grandchild Tripp, solemnly looking around, occasionally asking passerby for the sweet release of death.
He was being a Grinch.
Todd sighed, life force slowing leaving him. “Why do you keep barking?”
“Because, I’m a momma Grizzly silly willy. Woof!” Palin stated adding a wink that put a nearby woman into labor.
Sarah was in full Christmas mode, stuffing donuts into the faces of passing children who had obviously been deprived of dessert by Michelle Obama and big government.
The rest of the Palin family was standing in line to see Santa Clause. Jolly old St. Nick would take sips from his silver container of magic Christmas tea in between kids to keep his spirits high as his elves played what looked to be Go Fish only with the addition of colorful chips.
“Look Todd, Bristol’s next!” Momma grizzly exclaimed.
Technically, her children were the only ones in line to be sitting on Santa’s lap. The rest of the parents moved aside to accommodate the Palins in a display of Christ-like kindness. They’d occasionally point at her brand new rifle in obvious glee. She was just so dang proud of the gift she’d gotten earlier from a blushing John McCain, she had to let the world share her good fortune in a non socialist way. Tis the season.
Palin turned around to the camera crew that was filming for her Christmas special.
“Get a good look at my baby Bristol, she’s gonna be a star…Hey! Knock it off!”
Bristol had begun making out with the mall Santa. Levi, who’d been watching the scene from the artificial bushes nearby, burst into tears. Track Palin pulled out his shotgun.
“Want me to end im’ ma?” Track, the former infantryman asked menacingly.
“No, but thanks Track. Bristol, sit next to your father!” Sarah demanded.
Bristol rolled her eyes and slowly extracted herself from Santa’s lap before going back to checking her makeup in the mirror, occasionally posing for the paparazzi. (There were no paparazzi)
“Todd watch the kids, I’m gettin’ the gifts. Woof woof!” Palin said excitedly.
Todd’s excitement seemed to have left him so tired, he appeared to be depressed. But Sarah knew better.
Shopping today was particularly easy. Sarah figured they must have been inspired by the thoughtful gift from John McCain she was showing off as all the stores she went to gave her whatever she wanted for free. So profoundly caught up in the holiday spirit, they’d start weeping and repeatedly mentioning God. She encountered Glenn Beck on her trip, who looked to be selling gold, but wasn’t having much luck.
“Aww Glenn, what’s the matter?” She asked, concerned.
“I’m seeking patriots, but there seems to be an outbreak of communism that is keeping my sales of freedom gold down. If they don’t buy gold, they can’t defend themselves from the nazi-muslim-mexican-android invasion. Gold is their only weakness.“ Beck explained, looking dejected.
“Leave it to me Glenn.” She assured with a wink that caused 5 rainbows to appear.
Sarah took to the stage and made the shoppers aware of Mr. Beck’s cause and shamed them by showing the gift McCain had given her. The effect was instant. They couldn’t wait to buy freedom gold.
The camera crew looked nervous but Sarah laughed at their discomfort.
“I know you guys aren’t used to this much caring, since you live in the devil states. But here in real America, we look out for our fellow man.”
“Miss, would you like to donate to-“
“Golly gee-kid, we’re filming here.” Sarah said, clearly annoyed by the child’s audacity to interrupt with his liberal handout stand.
“Why don’t ya ask Santa for a job? Woof!” Palin laughed at her cleverness.
“But child labor laws-“
“Woof! Woof! Woof!” Sarah barked at a disconcerting decibel, sending the child fleeing in terror as she hurled donuts at his retreating form.
“Easy on those book-learned words pally!”
Sorry.
“Yup. Nothing scarier than a momma grizzly protecting her territory.” Said Palin.
And she was right. Not even Obama in a mosque with a burning bible strapped to a nuclear warhead could compare to the fright a territorial grizzly could generate.
She returned to Santa’s village to find chaos. Levi was on his knees reciting bad poetry to Bristol as she practiced her moves for Dancing with the Stars. (To the untrained eye it would seem she’d suddenly lapsed into a mild seizure) Track was fighting Santa and the elves to the death. Willow, Tripp, and Piper were crying, and Todd had his shoestrings tied around his neck and was looking for something high to latch on to. This is not how you’re supposed to celebrate Jesus’ birthday.
Sarah fired her rifle in the air, immediately ending the commotion.
“You all should be ashamed! This is not how we behave on the TV!” Sarah scolded, ignoring the body with the gaping bullet hole that crash landed next to her.
“So help me, if this affects my ratings…wait outside. Get! Woof!” Sarah commanded.
They didn’t need telling twice and scampered off as the battered Santa struggled to remain conscious. Sarah addressed the cameras again as she made her way outside with all the free presents.
“Yup, it’s hard being a momma , but that’s where the grizzly comes in. Gotta show em who’s boss. Our annual Christmas camping trip is another way I toughen em up. Especially that Todd, he’s such a wuss. “ Sarah said.
“But really we’re just your run of the mill, real American family…Start the helicopter!”
The family had been waiting near the massive military chopper that was taking up a sizable portion of the parking lot. It was currently perched on top of a number of cars. At the urging of America’s favorite hockey mom/grizzly they began climbing inside as Christine O’Donnell started the engine. (It was the only work she could find) Sarah was about to join them when she spotted a friend of hers.
“John Boehner, how the heck are ya?” She asked the next speaker of the house.
Boehner couldn’t formulate a reply as he was wracked with sobs. His wife Debbie gently patted his shoulder.
“Sorry Sarah, he’s a bit distraught now. Santa Clause had to leave the mall with a concussion. Some hooligans beat him up. What is this world coming too?”
“You know Debbie, I heard it was a gosh darn Democrat. Always ruining Christmas. Happy holidays my foot.” Sarah said.
Debbie smiled. “You’re so right Sarah. Hope you have a merry CHRISTmas Emphasis on the Christ.”
“You betcha!” Palin said with a dazzling wink that temporarily blinded Debbie.
Sarah began tweeting about Democrats killing Christmas as she and the camera crew boarded the chopper that would take them back to the Alaskan tundra. They gracefully lifted off, leaving crushed hybrids in their wake. Flying was the momma grizzlies’ favorite. Sarah absorbed the breathtaking scenery from the sky, occasionally dropping grenades when they passed over elitist cities. She was completely content at that moment. The kids were doing….something, who cares, and she only had to stop Todd from jumping out the helicopter twice. Finally the chopper arrived at the Palin camping ground, landing perfectly on the helipad behind their modest 6 story cabin, bought by generous donations from the tax payers while she was governor.
BANG
The camera crew leapt out of their seats. Sarah chuckled.
“Don’t be a scaredy chicken. That’s just the hunting trap. Been having a wolf problem. They act like they live here.”
They did.
“Hey! Whose side are you on?!” *Gun cocks*
Sorry.
Todd cleaned up the carcass of the invading wolf as the family spent the day roughing it; just like real Americans, as Levi watched from the trees. They were doing everything like wilderness survivors while the cameras filmed. Making S’mores by the microwave, C-4 fishing, hiking the internet, and keeping sharp objects away from Todd. Just good ole’ fashioned adventure. At night they gathered around the fire Piper and Willow started while arguing over matches and told scary stories. The book ban prevented any of the kids from knowing any ghost stories so they just made things up. Well really Sarah did. The kids were busy trying to keep Todd from leaping into the flames. And Sarah kept interrupting her chilling tales of government overreach by shooting at Levi whenever he got within 20 feet of Bristol. Bristol was checking her reflection in her cellphone and didn’t notice.
Suddenly Track pointed and yelled: “Incoming!”
Sarah turned and fired a rocket launcher into the air where her son had indicated. After a small explosion, it began raining presents and lumps of delicious looking meat.
Sarah was in awe: “I’m humbled. We’ve truly been blessed with a miracle. It’s really the season for giving. I think we settled that debate. Our God is the best! Quick guys, this’ll make a perfect ending.”
The Palin family, minus Levi who was pinned under part of a sleigh, looked into the cameras and in unison said: “Merry Christmas!” As flaming red and white debris continued to fall.
It was the best Christmas ever.
The End
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Comment by Norm
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Good stuff, Ian. I likes it all lot.
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Comment by nightlydvdreview
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Seriously, I am not democrat nor republican, but I can't see how she could represent anyone.
It's not that she's ugly or anything. Because, for her age, she is relatively attractive. (At least more attractive than John McCain.) However, she is spastic and, quite frankly, annoying. I hope she does not run for president. She would do nothing but divide the vote, and we really need in the government what the people WANT. (No matter if it is what the talking heads on CNN and Fox want or not.)
Again, great post, as usual.
Mike