Ian WhiteChick-Talk Entry 4: Confidence
December 20th 2010 20:02
Category: No Category
"I love his confidence."
"He's so confident. It's hot."
"I can't believe he's so confident."
"You gotta be more confident!"
"Confidence is everything."
"Find some confidence you loser!"
Men, women, friends, family, and self-help hacks have all probably uttered some variation of the above phrases. And 9 times out of 10 the person they were telling it to had no idea what they were talking about. It's such a vague term, but it's so important. We know innately that it's vital, even if we can't express it. As a result of that, people spend more time saying you need it than actually saying what it means. If you interviewed 20 people you'd probably get 15 different answers. Time for the confusion end. I will be breaking down the mythical and elusive confidence. It's actually quite simple really. It fits into a nice little formula:
Repetition, competence, comfort=Confidence
Get it? Imagine you're a cashier. Apart from the bitter self-loathing of working in retail, I could call you a confident person. But knowing better, I'd be specific. You are a confident person at your job. If I bought something, you could ring me up without thinking about it. Why? Because you wasted hours of your life learning how to operate the cash register, then you were put to the test with real customers, put through a multitude of emotionally grating scenarios, and eventually you were ringing on automatic.
This is no different from the "cool guy" that breezes into a bar, greets the bartender, strolls up to the hottest girl in the place and smoothly starts a conversation. He doesn't have magic powers. He's not in possession of some abstract ability blessed only to a few people. He's used to going out by himself to venues, he's gone to that particular place enough times to know the bartender, and he has had so much experience going up to girls and being told to f**k off that it doesn't bother him in the slightest. So he comes off as confident. Not because he feels like superman, because he's done the given task to the point of tedium. He knows what to expect and he knows what to do. People only don't have confidence and get scared when they're in a new situation. The new kid at school is petrified because he isn't used to the place. He hasn't had time to know the layout, the routines, the cliques, the level of expected intellect. Everything is new. Being confident with a woman is no different than shooting a jump shot. You learned the basics and you practiced a bunch of times until you weren't an embarrassment. So when a woman says a guy is confident, it's because he isn't sweating and stumbling over himself while talking. He isn't camped out in a corner looking at the floor, he's giving off the appearance that he's in control and comfortable.
An apparently confident guy could very well be nervous while talking to a girl, just like Lebron James could have butterflies before a playoff game. You won't be able to tell when he drops a triple double though because playing basketball is something he's mastered. As long as you know you can do the task, you can bypass the nerves and pull it off since you've developed comfort and competence. Now it just comes down to following the formula. Whenever you want to be confident at something, just remember it only means know what you're doing, then practice doing it, and you'll look like a natural. Nobody will know how you feel doing something, just how you look while you're doing it.
"He's so confident. It's hot."
"I can't believe he's so confident."
"You gotta be more confident!"
"Confidence is everything."
"Find some confidence you loser!"
Men, women, friends, family, and self-help hacks have all probably uttered some variation of the above phrases. And 9 times out of 10 the person they were telling it to had no idea what they were talking about. It's such a vague term, but it's so important. We know innately that it's vital, even if we can't express it. As a result of that, people spend more time saying you need it than actually saying what it means. If you interviewed 20 people you'd probably get 15 different answers. Time for the confusion end. I will be breaking down the mythical and elusive confidence. It's actually quite simple really. It fits into a nice little formula:
Repetition, competence, comfort=Confidence
Get it? Imagine you're a cashier. Apart from the bitter self-loathing of working in retail, I could call you a confident person. But knowing better, I'd be specific. You are a confident person at your job. If I bought something, you could ring me up without thinking about it. Why? Because you wasted hours of your life learning how to operate the cash register, then you were put to the test with real customers, put through a multitude of emotionally grating scenarios, and eventually you were ringing on automatic.
This is no different from the "cool guy" that breezes into a bar, greets the bartender, strolls up to the hottest girl in the place and smoothly starts a conversation. He doesn't have magic powers. He's not in possession of some abstract ability blessed only to a few people. He's used to going out by himself to venues, he's gone to that particular place enough times to know the bartender, and he has had so much experience going up to girls and being told to f**k off that it doesn't bother him in the slightest. So he comes off as confident. Not because he feels like superman, because he's done the given task to the point of tedium. He knows what to expect and he knows what to do. People only don't have confidence and get scared when they're in a new situation. The new kid at school is petrified because he isn't used to the place. He hasn't had time to know the layout, the routines, the cliques, the level of expected intellect. Everything is new. Being confident with a woman is no different than shooting a jump shot. You learned the basics and you practiced a bunch of times until you weren't an embarrassment. So when a woman says a guy is confident, it's because he isn't sweating and stumbling over himself while talking. He isn't camped out in a corner looking at the floor, he's giving off the appearance that he's in control and comfortable.
An apparently confident guy could very well be nervous while talking to a girl, just like Lebron James could have butterflies before a playoff game. You won't be able to tell when he drops a triple double though because playing basketball is something he's mastered. As long as you know you can do the task, you can bypass the nerves and pull it off since you've developed comfort and competence. Now it just comes down to following the formula. Whenever you want to be confident at something, just remember it only means know what you're doing, then practice doing it, and you'll look like a natural. Nobody will know how you feel doing something, just how you look while you're doing it.
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